Until recently, I’ve had no idea of the type of dad I’m going to be. It was starting to become a problem given that the January 2 due date was crawling ever closer. But then inspiration struck.
I was walking through the cold, dimly-lit corridors of the C-Max Prison in Kokstad as several dozen correctional officials inspected the cells, overturned the mattresses and searched the inmates [many of them the most hardcore prisoners in the country] for any contraband (you can read about it here and here). Amid the sights and sounds of stomping feet and barked orders, something caught my eye: two sheets of yellowing paper Prestik’d to the wall.
They were of indeterminable age, but their insight was profound. I took photos of them and, one day, I’ll turn them into a book.
I realised how I was going to raise my child: prison-style!
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| I finished off my baby’s nursery this weekend. What do you think? |
No gambling. No gangster activities. Instructions…must be carried out. No sunglasses at the table during meals. Cleanliness must be maintained at all times. Jeepers! These rules are BRILLIANT! And, no, I’m not making them up; they’re among the first nine rules on those poorly-decorated pieces of paper. And it keeps getting better.
No graffiti or pornographic materials allowed in the rooms [i.e. cells]. That’s a goodie. No noise allowed in the passages. Another goodie. No offender must discriminate against another. That’s even better!
Okes…this Warden Dad thing is a winner!
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| Matthew’s Parenting Guide Book, page 1 |
At this stage I was delighted. My parenting style dilemma had been resolved. Page 2 got me even more excited.
Throwing items in the toilet is a serious offense. YES! Case-in-point:
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| Children are good at blocking toilets…apparently [pic via a very funny It’s A Mother Thing post] |
Oh, and toilets aren’t allowed to be used as communications tools. I’m not sure what that means…but it sounds like a really good idea. Physical and verbal assaults are not allowed. Another good rule. Hunger strikes are not allowed. Damn right — you’ll eat what you’re given, child! Spitting is a serious offence and will not be tolerated. Yep, because it’s mainly disgusting.
But it’s the last rule that’s the best: All offenders [i.e. my child] is encouraged to participate in all daily activities. This will especially be enforced as the child becomes a teenager.
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| Matthew’s Parenting Guide Book, page 2 |
They say inspiration comes from unexpected places…even the wall of a maximum security prison. Oh, in case it wasn’t glaringly obvious, I’m not really going to be the warden. Although…
The Good, The Bad and The Daddy 